A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"

He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:

1. Unbutton pants

2. Pull pants down

3. Pull foreskin back

4. Pee

5. Push foreskin forward

6. Pull pants up and button up

She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"

Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."

So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.

The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."

So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."

To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."

She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."

He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."

She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."

"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your pussy."

She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.

He yells, "I'll kill him!"

She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.

She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"

Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".

Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.

Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.  His Birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his Mother what he wanted:

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at School and at home.

Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his  Birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his Behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why He deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a Letter.

LETTER 1: Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my  Birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

 Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so He tore up he letter and started over.

LETTER 2:  Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I Would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started Again.

LETTER 3:  Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my Birthday.

your friend,  Barry.

 Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very  Upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

 Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked Around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.  

He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the Street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and started writing :-

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.  

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE FUCKING BIKE

Spurs and West Ham fans have been banned from the away legs in europe because of trouble on the ferries the last time they  were in europe

Someone tore the sails and pushed a cannon overboard

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops – a talking muslim doll. Nobody knows what it says yet as they daren’t pull the fucking cord