A Tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop, after looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So he took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

Well, the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:

"Ah, you've come back for the story then!"

"No," said the tourist -

"I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric and anything French.

A guy applies for a job at a new South African Government Department. The interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

"Yes!" the guy says, "...a landmine blew my testicles away!"

"O.K. you're hired!" the interviewer announces, "Working hours are from 8 till 5 o'clock. Make sure you're here by10 every morning!" Puzzled the guy says "8 till 5, why do you want me to come in only at 10?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that....!"

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, can you nip up-stairs and get me slippers".

"No problem", say Murphy, "I'll do it right now"

When Murphy gets up the stairs he finds Paddy's two stunning 21 year old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says, "your father sent me up to shag the both of you".

The twins told Murphy to get lost.

Murphy say' "its true and I can prove it.

The twins said "go ahead".

Murphy shouts down the stairs, "Pat both of them.

Paddy replies, "Of course, no point in fucking one of them".

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says

"Fucccccccccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".

Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting.

I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.

"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".