A woman is preparing to commit suicide by leaping from Tower Bridge,

When a sailor shouts "Don't do it, I'll stow you away on my ship, and then you can start a new life in the United States"

3 weeks later, she is discovered and hauled before tha captain.

"What are you doing on my boat" He asks.

She replies "One of your sailors is stowing me away to the United States, he brings me 3 meals a day, and in return, I let him fuckk me every night"

Captain replies: "Oh, he's fucking you alright . . . . this is the Woolich Ferry!"

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells

nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells

him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The

supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the

coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "I rounded them up."

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me >again."

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...."

Wait for it !!!!!!!

"I've found Cod ...... I'm a Prawn again Christian"

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."