A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

I parked in a disabled parking space the other day.A traffic warden spotted me and asked, " what's your disabilty then?

" I replied " Tourettes, you c*nt, now f*ck off !"

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your arse."

A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a Pelican crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep....'

'Whats that for?' asked one of the girls.

'Oh thats just to let the blind know that the lights have changed' said the bloke.

'My Gaad' she said, really shocked, 'in the States we don't even let them drive...'