A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were

going to look after me."

I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol"

.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.                                

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary." 

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex,

 I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."                                                                              

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."    

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."