A family is at a dinner table.The son asks the father,"Dad how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers,"well son ,there's three kinds of breast.In her twenties, a woman's breast are like melons,round & firm.In her thirties to forties, they are like pears,still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them & they make you cry.

"This infuriated his wife & daughter so the daughter said,"Mum,how many kinds of 'Willies' are there?"

The Mother,surprised, smiles & answers,"Well dear, a man goes through three phases."in his twenties,his willie is like an oak tree,mighty & hard"In his thirties & forties,it is a birch,flexible but reliable"After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?""

Yes dead from the root up & the balls are for decoration

Two guys sitting in the office chatting, when this girl passes Them  going to the toilet.

Guy says "I think she's nice"

Guys mate "well nip over and give her the patter" 

Guy "the patter?"

Guys mate "aye the patter"

Guy "I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls"

Guys Mate "Fu*k's sake its easy, all you have to say is "hello" and  she will say "hello" back.

Then say "it's a nice day isn't it"  Then she will say "Yes it is" Then you say "but not half as nice as you!" Then she will say "Oh thank you" Then the patter will just flow"

Guys Mate "look there she coming back out, go and give it a go"

So nervously off he goes re-running the patter in his head.

He walks up and says "Hello"

She says "Hello"

 He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"

She says "Yes it is"

He says "but not half as nice as you"

She says "Oh thank you"

A Few seconds of uneasy silence............ Then he says............

"Been for a shite then?"

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Hemel Hempstead with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bleeding aint't! The oldest, e's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.

Why the fu**in hell do ya fink ver twins?... Do ya fink vey look alike, ya d!ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would f*ck you twice!"

Ukrane bird meets Chelsea squad on night out

First shes asks john terry to autograph her left t!t which he obliges.....

Then out comes the right t!t for Drogba to sign which he also obliges...

Then she asks mourinho for his autograph,"of course" he says at which point she then drops her jeans and knckers presenting him her sntch,,,"OH NO"

says mourinho,"the last time i signed a ukranian cnt it cost me 30 million fking quid"!!!!!