Holy Grail 

This is the story of a not so young man, who really should have known better and who fell to the darkside in spectacular fashion.
Our story begins one hot late summer in 2002, our intrepid hero had not long returned from a dusty country far far away, and almost immediately been flown back out on a ‘courier’ job to a base in Cyprus.
Within 3 hours of landing our gallant knight began par-taking in some early evening refreshments and gathering intel about how to waste away a sleepy Wednesday evening round these parts. “Beer and Russian women” was the reply from the hunchbacked toothless oracle in the corner.
Intrigued by this our knight and his brothers of the oath set about finding the holy grail, various inns and taverns were visited during the early period of the crusade and early reports established that these russian women …how shall we say ....provided favours for monetary gain,
A few more jugs of mead were consumed and the idea of exchanging ones leather pouch of shekels for Russian delights seemed like a fantastic idea….however said house of the night was situated in areas out of bounds to our heroic warriors, by this time ye olde cock was on ye old head and consequences went out of the ye old window and off they went. Soon enough our hero’s arrived at the entrance to the dodgy sneaky fucking Russian night spot full of lovely ladies….
The Night continued in full swing, a punch up and far too many vodka red bulls and it was time for brave sir Robin and his merry men to set about wheeling and dealing with ‘Boris’ (the owner of this fine establishment), before you could say ‘none shall pass’ Sir robin and his men were on their way with a several dark haired 6ft Russian beauties in tow, the knights mounted their steeds, their prize’s in tow and made haste to Boris’s brother in-law’s hotel.
On their arrival it was late, so late it was early…..about 6:30am to be precise, their arrival with their new found wenches was frowned upon by the occupants of the hotel which appeared to be a club 65-90 holiday, blue rinses and the stench of stale piss aplenty, all making their way to breakfast in the lobby, a few more drinks in the bar and our brave Knights had found their courage and decided to go their own ways with their wenches
Our hero was the first to leave, leading from the front he took his fine young thing and walked to the lift, room key in had. As they waited for the lift a hoard of 60 something holidaymakers had finished breakfast and were heading upstairs again, our man grabbed the first lift leaving Derby and Jones plus mates waiting in the hotel lobby. Entering the lift and selecting the 3rd floor our man of the moment and the young lady began getting better acquainted, lets just say she wasn’t exactly backward in coming forward and with in a few moments the lady was topless, on her knees playing three blind mice on the recorder.
Our man was so engrossed in the Russian trumpet blower that he had failed to realise that the lift had arrived at the third floor closed and then made its way back down….
The lift door binged and slowly opened back at the lobby, our hero was brought back from the throws of delight by the sound of gasps, cries of ‘stone him’, Mavis, 89 from surrey passing out and hitting the deck, and one plucky old fellow shouting ‘you lucky bastard’, before getting a sound beating from his obviously non pipe smoking better halves handbag which was no doubt full of Murray mints, Werthers toffees (wonder if they will advertise on here?) and other OAP handbag survival kit items, wolly hat(even though its 110 degrees out side, instant stewed tea powder, travel colostomy bag and someone elses ill fitting teeth.

Our intrepid explorer was last seen frantically pressing the door close button with some Russian tart still attached to his knob but reports indicate that he was bought several Sherries from male members of the OAP voyager group for directions to a man called Boris

There are some pretty awesome stag party stories that may have started with a love story and ended with a drinking story. They may not be as interesting as wedding night stories, but may resemble college stories of overindulgence and intoxication.

Women just don't get it. 

Story from a season ticket down at the home of the dirty gooners! or should i say the old home of the dirty gooners.

His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Highbury main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TVcamera style view.

Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.

After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season.

The response is legendary:'

Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season

ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas. I was fuckin raging!'

It's an absolute classic!

Giz a job mister! 

Former Marijuana Smuggler

Having successfully completed a ten year sentence, incident-free, for importing 75 tons of marijuana into the United States I am now seeking a legal and legitimate means to support myself and my family

Business Experience

Owned and operated a successful fishing business, multi-vessle, one airplane, one island and processing facility. Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-frailer trucks conducting business in the western United States, During this time I also co-owned and participated in the executive level management of 120 people worldwide in a successful pot smuggling venture with revenues of US$100 million annually. I took responsibility for my own actions, and received a ten year sentence in the United States while others walked free with their cooperation.

Attributes

I am an expert in all levels of security; I have extensive computer skills, am personable, outgoing, well educated, reliable, clean and sober. I have spoken to thousands of kids in parents groups over the past ten years on ‘the consequences of choice’ and received public recognition from the RCMP for community service. I well travelled and speak English, French and Spanish. References available from friends, family, the US District Attorney, etc.

Tea time love bite

A woman almost bit off her husband's love trumpet off as he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex.

In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back.

She clenched her teeth on his old boy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan.

Both only admitted how they recieved their injuries after "intense questioning" by hospital docs in Carioca, Romania.

The man needed treatment to his todger while the wifre had burns, two black eyes and a broken cheeky bone.

Buzzing undies are a knock out

A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure

The kinky 33-year old housewife was wearing a pair of battery operated Passion Pants, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to british tabloid the sun.

But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties she lost consciousness. She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales.

When paramedics arrived they round her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing. They took them off before an ambulance took her to hospital. The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill-effects. And as she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion Panties in a plastic bag.

A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain told the Sun “We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already”.

Man hurt arseing around with rockets.

A man is recovering in hospital from serious internal injures after launching a firework from his backside.

The 22-year-old suffered a scorched colon and other injuries in the incident in Sunderland, Tyne and Wear. The prank, involving a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket, was captured by a gang of youths and the fuzzy mobile phone footage shows a blinding white flash followed by hysterical laughter.

A spokeswoman for the North East Ambulance Service said: "We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding. "He was attended to and taken to Sunderland Royal Hospital."

Safety experts warned that misusing the explosives in such a senseless way can have serious consequences. A spokesman for the Firework Association, said he had never heard of an incident like it in 45 years.

He added: "This sort of thing is beyond belief. We have spent a long time working with the Government to create laws that make fireworks safer and better for the public. "This incident is very concerning but hopefully an isolated one."