Once Poland’s capital city, Krakow boasts one of the largest squares in Europe. The city is steeped in history and the fine architecture is something to behold. Sorry to bore you with that intro but I wanted to set the scene in order that one might appreciate the whole Krakow experience. 

Krakow airport is 20 km outside of Krakow centre and a taxi transfer will cost 60 zlotty (12 GBP). Unless like us, one opts for the fully loaded limo with ‘beautiful’ lap dancers, http://limuzyna.malopolska.pl/limousine_service_home.htm  which will cost 25 GBP each (based on 6 sharing). The description of the dancers (beautiful) by the limo company was a slight fib, although it does depend on one’s frame of reference as these things are relative. I am sure each of their respective fathers would have described them as beautiful. Of the four we had accompanying our party, one was badly burned with missing teeth, one had a limp and another cried owing to the fact it was here first attempt at arousing five of England’s finest gentry through the medium of naked dance. To be fair, after a complaint was made to the organizer, the blubbing stripper was replaced by another less inhibited ‘lady’ and the happy caravan rolled on, Krakow bound, naked flesh aplenty. The drivers were more than happy to stop at an off-license to pick up cold beers, which were vital in the stifling 35 degree heat of late May.

I would heartily recommend the limos with dancers. Even though the women wouldn’t have looked out of place in Macbeth, they served a purpose, to get us all in the ‘Stag’ mood if we weren’t already. One tip worth mentioning; Get the strippers battered, they tend to be far less inhibited. 

Our accommodation was just of the main square. I must emphasize the first 3 most important things about stag accommodation….Location, Location, Location. Our apartments booked through www.krakowshotel.com were superb. Within 20 yards of Roosters (similar to Hooters) and the Main Square, they were equipped with everything one may require.

Everything that happens in Krakow, happens in and around the main square. The bars and nightclubs are all situated either in the main square or just off it. Taxis are required for titty bars though, which I would rate as mediocre. Top half only was the norm for everywhere we went, with not the finest looking ladies in Krakow, although I have been reliably informed that for a few Zlotty more, there are certain establishments where they do whip their knickers off too and allow one to stick one’s cock in. Don’t expect the whores to be local though, as since Polands entry in the EU, most self respecting Krakovian brass has upped sticks and is now plying her trade in the massage parlors of Doncaster and Milton Keynes.  

The nightclubs are lively if somewhat smaller than one might expect from a large city, although they were plentiful and diverse, catering for all tastes.

The bars around the main square are first class and most serve food which is also of high quality. In Krakow, there are two main beers, Tyskie and the Zywiec. Both, as well as being clean and crisp, will get one drunker than a sailor on shore leave without the hang over. OK, one may find bars in Krakow that will serve beer for 50p a pint, but there’s little point in drinking there. If one is looking for just getting hammered as cheaply as possible, buy a bottle of cheap vodka and stay at home. Beers in the bars around the square will cost 1.50 a pint or a bit more if one wishes to stick to Heinekan or Carlsberg. However it was Tyskie and Zywiec all weekend for us.

Overall I would recommend Krakow as a great stag destination. It’s not Amsterdam or Prague if one is looking for sluts, however, what it does offer is first class food and drink at a price which wont break any budgets.